“It’s not in the stars to hold our destiny, but in ourselves.”
-William Shakespeare
all the vampires walking through the valley
move west down ventura boulevard
and all the bad boys are standing in the shadows
all the good girls are home with broken hearts
and i`m free --- free falling
yeah i`m free --- free falling
- Tom Petty
“Life, as beautiful as a rose, can be as painful as a thorn, but through it comes faith, hope, love, and the most vital and memorable lessons learned only through the experiences of it all.”
I wrote that when I was 17. We had to pick a quote for underneath our senior picture for the yearbook. So, I wrote my own rather than use someone else’s. How “foreshadowing” of me in so many ways. The funniest part though, I was 17...what the hell did I know about life? Yet somehow I knew something, and knew someday I’d know more, and this quote would gain truth and meaning with each passing year.
I used to want the Chinese symbols for “FAITH. LIFE. HOPE. LOVE.” tattooed on my back. Why Chinese? I have no idea. Maybe I thought it looked more decorative, or was a cover so no one would really understand the permanent statement across my skin. Maybe it just seemed hipster. The words however, were the most important things to me at the time. My FAITH in God. My FAITH in myself, in my family, in my LIFE. The precious gift of LIFE. HOPE that everything will be ok. And LOVE. FAITH in LOVE and LOVE in LIFE. Everybody just wants someone to LOVE and be LOVEd in return.
Now, I erase all of that and just want the Chinese symbol for PEACE. Chinese again? Makes it seem more universal…like “world peace”. and PEACE? If you have FAITH, LIFE, HOPE, and LOVE, you have PEACE. Everything we desire summed up in 5 little letters to create such a powerful word. Tom had the Chinese symbol for PEACE tattooed on his shoulder. Looking back now, I see he had a desperate desire to achieve it. Now, years later, and following his recent suicide, I wonder if he ever found it…
LIFE. DEATH. I’ve been so terrified and unsure of both lately. I KNOW that one is inevitable, and that’s LIFE. In my quick yet infinite 23 years of life, there are a few things I have learned:
1. Some people are meant to be in your life. Sadly, they may not always arrive at the right moment, but no matter when they do, hold on for dear life in anyway you can. It’s a gift to find your match.
2. Don’t dismiss something that may seem ugly or deformed for it just may turn out to be a life-changing saving grace. And then, it’ll be gone before you quit taking it for granted. Love everything from the start.
3. Fuck society and trying to make people happy or proud of you. If they love you, they love you no matter what. Don’t lie to me about love. Don’t lie to others about your love.
4. It’s not always LINEN and LACE staring at you in the doorway in a provocative pose begging you to take her to bed, but never forget that sight, and never ignore it.
5. Don’t say no to sitting in the Emergency row on an airplane. Don’t you want the opportunity to be a hero? Even if you don’t, it’s highly unlikely you’ll crash and burn, and if by chance you are crashing and burning, you’ll most likely not make it no matter which row you chose to move into.
6. You know the saying “If it’s too good to be true it’s probably a lie”? Take that into consideration when something comes upon you really sudden, and goes really fast and seems like the ultimate perfection. It isn’t. It will be the hardest fall and biggest heartbreak.
7. It’s the oddest thing returning home after a long absence. Everything is so familiar. The scent, the settled dust, yet something as simple as the inside of the fridge you’ve had for over 13 years can seem so foreign. This contradiction is both lonely and depressing as well as comforting and euphoric.
8. A sunset lasts longer and is much more beautiful when you are 34,000 feet in the air and above the clouds.
9. My body has a set number of tears it can make in a lifetime, and I’m pretty sure I’ve used most of them up already.
10. Quite the contrary my darling Watson, smart things do NOT always happen when one is high.
11. We spend so many breaths asking people if they are ok, but rarely think to ask ourselves.
12. “We think too much and feel too little“ as Charlie Chaplin said. Sometimes, I would call that “Survival of the Fittest”, and other times, I’d call that a cold, sad, lonely life.
Yes, I have learned so much more. Most of that “more” is also probably more important, but these are the things that have been truly shaping me lately.
I’m a writer. I write. I know that. Even other people know that. When I’m dealing with the conflicts in life and I go to a friend for advice, especially recently, I’m given the same advice no matter who I talk to. “Megan, write it down. You’re a writer. that’s what you do. You’ll find your answer in the words.” How true, how true.
It’s odd to have someone know you so well, sometimes to the point that makes you wonder if they know you better than you know yourself. A slight movement of my hand and he knows I am deciding something. A quick raise of my eyebrow or bite of my lip and she knows the exact emotion I am feeling. It feels nearly like an invasion of privacy, except that my “privacy” is weaved throughout my entire physical appearance. An invasion that makes me want to scream, “Get out of my head! And stop interpreting my face!”.
Do I truly know myself? I don’t know. I can learn about who I am by who I used to be. Sometimes I fear I am incapable of loving someone truly, and deeply, and forever. I knew my mother for such a little amount of time and yet I feel her presence in my blood as I make each social and emotional decision I come to. The fear, the resistance, the foot facing the door, ready to run. I want LOVE in my LIFE yet I fear it. This contradicts what I see, know, and want. Here is the perfect example for a high school experiment. Nature vs. Nurture. Is it in my DNA to run from everything (Nature - Mother)? Or is it simply the only impact/lesson I have learned from my mother (Nurture)? It’s interesting, I’ve spent years denying her effect on me, yet now I blame her either way.
I’m not a fan of cop-outs, yet that sounds like one. A cop-out is just a nicer version of a lie. I don’t like lying. I “tried it once”…not fun. Raw, honest brutality is the way to go. Maybe I should get the Chinese symbols of those words tattooed across my back (RAW. HONEST. BRUTALITY. ("deep man, and so WWE at the same time. whoa.")).
I took 5 years of Spanish. I’ve managed to retain quite a bit, yet, at one time, years after my education, there was a phrase I just couldn't remember. At the time, I was living in Florida, where many people speak Espanol. One random day at work I asked Mike (a native of Puerto Rico), “Como se dice ‘don’t lie to me’ en Espanol?” To which he replied, “No Me Mientas.”
And i kissed you in a style that clark gable would have admired
(i thought it classic)
I want so badly to believe that "there is truth, that love is real"
And i want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd
I know you're wise beyond your years, but do you ever get the fear
That your perfect verse is just a lie you tell yourself to help you get by?
-The Postal Service
We're goin down and you can see it too.
We're goin down and you know that we're doomed.
my dear we're slow dancing in a burnin room.
I was the one you always dreamed of.
you were the one i tried to draw.
how dare you say it's nothin to me.
baby, you're the only light I ever saw
-John Mayer
