Check. Check. Check.

The first and greatest victory is to conquer yourself; to be conquered by yourself is of all things most shameful and vile.  ~Plato

Look at everything as though you were seeing it either for the first or last time.  ~Betty Smith, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn

I thought growing up was something that happened automatically as you got older.  But it turns out it's something you have to choose to do.  ~From the television show Scrubs

The ball of panicking nerves that I was is no more. At least not for my yoga class.

It was a great first class - quite the workout, yet very relaxing. Yes, I was sore the next day...right now my body is quite wimpy...but my goodness was I relieved of much of my stress! My “classmates” and instructor are wonderful, and I am definitely quite proud of myself....which is something quite rare for me to say.

The days of someone glaring at me from behind braces and a peanut butter sandwich saying I look funny are over! Granted, today I still tripped twice and spilled coffee on my shirt....but thats just an every day occurrence. Still awkward, but at least I have confidence in my awkwardness.

6 more classes to go and I can officially cross #3 off of my list.

I feel so rejuvenated. So empowered. So mighty!

So I decided to start working on another bucket list item.

#9. Return to and finish college.

I spent the afternoon yesterday getting the first steps all completed. I filled out applications for both UW-LaCrosse and Viterbo University, and all the other requirements such as FAFSA and transcript requests. I feel productive and accomplished! Which is another set of feelings I rarely have.

Yet now, the next steps lie in the hands of other people - admissions counselors.

For the next few weeks I have to sit back and play the waiting game.

This is my least favorite game.

I hate having not having full control of a situation.

If I force myself to look at the bright side, I should be a pro at patience by the time the news comes.

Patience is very becoming. Or something.

Until then, myself and my new-found confidence will be jamming out to a “new-age-new-view-it’s-not-so-bad-and-easier-than-I-thought-why-have-I-been-hiding-under-a-rock-hey-cute-guy-would-you-like-to-go-get-coffee” playlist -->

1. Heartbeat - Kopecky Family Band

2. Awkward - San Cisco

3. Applause - Lady Gaga

4. From the Morning - Nick Drake

5. There is a Light that Never Goes Out - The Smiths

6. Piazza, New York Catcher - Belle & Sebastian

7. I Love It - Icona Pop

8. Home - Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros

9. Mrs. Robinson - Simon and Garfunkel

10. The Promise - When In Rome

11. Can’t You See - The Marshall Tucker Band

12. Against the Wind - Bob Seger

13. Stay - Rihanna

14. Cleopatra - Minature Tigers

15. Good to Sea - Pinback

16. Up - Rob Crow

17. She Doesn’t Get It - The Format

18. Books from Boxes - Maximo Park

19. I Feel It All - Feist

20. Caring Is Creepy - The Shins

21. Major Tom - Shiny Toy Guns

feel free to jam out too!

...and ask that crush out for a coffee.

....and start your own “live without regrets” bucket list, and get to work!!!

in no particular order.

:)

Fear and Awkwardness in Wisconsin

Nothing in life is to be feared.  It is only to be understood.  ~Marie Curie



Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.  ~Bill Cosby

To fear is one thing.  To let fear grab you by the tail and swing you around is another.  ~Katherine Paterson, Jacob Have I Loved

To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom.  ~Bertrand Russell

clumsiness? check.

lack of confidence? check.

awkward? check.

suddenly a first-time victim of fainting spells and panic attacks? check.

In 5th grade, a 6th grader (who’s name I definitely remember and is NOT a Facebook friend!) told me in gym class that I run funny. At lunch she told me I chewed funny.

I’m fairly certain this was the closest I ever had to being bullied, which is by no means complaint-worthy at all, but it has clearly and pathetically stuck with me.

I have a fear of gyms and have never (since once in High School) signed up for any type of exercise class. As I begin to notice aging and post-breakup changes in my body, I’ve decided it’s really time to get over my childhood self-esteem issues and actually take care of myself.

I haven’t worked out in 3 years. The closest thing I’ve had to exercise was 1 Level 1 video session of “The Biggest Loser Yoga” 4 months ago. I usually eat fairly healthy but certainly have my more-than-fair share of Wisconsin foods: beer, cheese, and fried anything.

So I signed up for a Tuesday night 7 week Yoga class downtown.

(If you remember from my “Zero Score and 7 years ago...” blog, this is #3 on the Bucket List (aka “Fulfilling My Dreams”/”Finally Feeling Alive”/”Get Out of Rock Bottom” List))

It starts tomorrow.

I am a ball of panic attacking nerves. I want to throw up. I’ll probably just end up shaking and hyperventilating.

But it’s good to get out of one’s comfort zone. It increases metabolism. Or something.

And of course I have an “Up and At ‘Em - Motivate Me” playlist.

1. Tap the Phone --> Francis and the Lights

2. Wonder --> Dan Black

3. Tonight is the Night --> Outasight

4. Dynamite --> Taio Cruz

5. La Belle et la Bete --> Big Soul

6. E-Pro --> Beck

7. Feel So Close --> Calvin Harris

8. You Make Me Feel --> Cobra Starship

9. Blurred Lines --> Robin Thicke

10. Sail --> AWOLNATION

11. Undercover Martyn --> Two Door Cinema Club

12. My Body --> Young the Giant

13. Walking On A Dream --> Empire of the Sun

14. Safe and Sound --> Capital Cities

15. Carried Away --> Passion Pit

16. Burn it All Down --> VHS or Beta

17. Fall Down --> will.i.am

18. Anything Could Happen --> Ellie Goulding

19. Embers --> Just Jack

20. Terminally Chill --> Neon Indian

Listen.

And Get Up and Get Motivated!

lose your inhibitions.

Do Something.

On Love

“We loved with a love that was more than love” - Edgar Allan Poe

“You can’t choose love, it chooses for you.”

“When love is not madness, it is not love” - Pedro Calderon de la Barca

“Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with everything they have.”

I remember the day the walls came crashing down.

Actually it was the same day I came crashing down.

I fainted at work.

I am 27 years old and am just learning what love really is. What it feels like. How much it can hurt. And how perfectly wonderful it can be. Even still, I don’t fully understand it.

There are many types of love.

Love between family. Between the best of friends. Crushes, flings, infatuation, puppy love...summer love, true love...

I recently ended a 6.5 year relationship with quite possibly, the perfect man. And that makes zero sense, right? Well, I have learned a few things over these last several years.

Love is the most wonderful thing to both give and receive. It may not actually make the world go round, but it does make the world a better place. Having it can make you the happiest you have ever been. Yet losing it can make you feel the worst.

It isn’t easy. Even if it’s “right” it still takes work. How do you know when you know that it is right and true? When the work is worth it. When the happy times flow freely and the hard times can be worked through. I’ve said so many times that these days no one loves like our grandparents loved. High School sweethearts that made it through the Great Depression, World War II and raising 5 kids with one bathroom in the house. These days it seems like divorce papers are filed faster than the speed of light. It seems the desire to work for love isn’t there. We give up instantly. But maybe for good reason... Maybe we know they aren't “the one”. Is it worth the fight if it isn't right?

Just because someone may be “perfect”, doesn’t mean they are perfect for you. He was smart, funny, loving, selfless, affectionate, driven, supportive, attractive and successful. And if that isn’t enough, his family was simply wonderful. So what was the problem? Nothing, really, except for the plain fact that after years together, meeting at a young stage in our lives, we grew apart. Mostly it was me, growing up, growing into who I am. We stopped laughing and started nit-picking. The things I was interested it, he could care less about. After some time, the emotional distance took a toll. We took some time apart, had some time to grow, to think, and even to see other people. Eventually we met again and tried. We tried for 2 more years. I think it mostly came down to the fact that I just couldn’t love him the way he needed. The way he deserved. I loved him. Truly and deeply. But I wasn’t in love with him. He said we became like roommates. Sadly, we were barely even friends anymore.

Towards the end I was so unhappy, but avoided the truth and thought that if I changed everything else in my life, maybe the relationship would somehow get better. I got a new job, started getting back into my hobbies and things I enjoyed that I had left in the dark. I focused on all the reasons why he was perfect and why I really should love him. But still, the inevitable hit me like a wall and the emotional overload took its toll. And I spent a day in the ER. He recognized it. Asked me if I was staying with him just because I would feel guilty for breaking his heart. The thing was, I was breaking it even more by staying there. He was in love, but he wasn’t happy. And it was my fault. So I took a long weekend and went away to the safest, most relaxing place I could think of: my parents’ house. The entire time I was there, it just felt right. Every moment was enlightening. I returned home and he knew. He felt it. And we talked. Like mature adults, matter-of-factly. This was it. I stayed for 2 weeks while I worked on transferring jobs and making living arrangements (which ended up being 27-year-old-me moving back home with my parents...which is a whole different blog...). Strangely enough, those last 2 weeks were the best we had gotten along in a few years. We laughed a lot, spent so much time together, talked about anything and everything. And we cried. A lot. And eventually, we said goodbye. Now it has been 2 months since I have spoken to the person I had talked to daily for 6 1/2 years. It may be the right thing, but at the same time it is the strangest, and hardest thing. I tried to love him. I wanted to. But I couldn’t. It just wasn’t meant to be.

But is anything really meant to be? Is destiny real? Does fate exist? Do we walk through this life as a pawn in a game of predetermined love? Is there really a “the one” for us? Another thing I have learned is that throughout our own individual lives, we ourselves will be many different people. We grow and change so much, and I don’t think it ever comes to a complete stop. So, finding one person perfect for us can only mean that we find someone perfect for who we are at any given moment. Or, even more impossible, finding someone who will be perfect for us throughout all of our changes. They change perfectly right along with us. Perfection means without flaw. Arguments come about because of flaws. And no relationship is without any sort of disagreement. It’s how we react to those flaws and communicate through those disagreements that shows us how “nearly perfect” a person is for us. It’s the good and the bad. Or, “for better or for worse” as they say. There are over 7 billion people on this planet. While each unique, many of us are so similar, and would fit together quite well. I estimate this means there are at least 100 “the one’s” for us. That being said, when one love ends, don’t be discouraged. Another love....a better love....possibly the best love...is out there. Just remember to be yourself. Being loved is wonderful, but being loved for exactly who you are is perfect.

Here's what I say:

“sometimes one of life’s hardest lessons is knowing which way to walk...towards something or away from it.”

“sometimes it’s worth it just to feel...even if it was never real.”

As silly as it may seem, I have found someone who said it just right, in far less words than I have. No one understands love the way South Park character Butters Stotch does:

Butters Stotch, on being dumped and having his heart stepped on with stiletto shoes:

“Yeah I’m sad, but at the same time I’m really happy that something can make me feel that sad. It’s like, it makes me feel alive, you know? It makes me feel human. The only way I could feel this sad now is if I’ve felt something really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good. So I guess what I’m feeling is like a beautiful sadness.”

But if neither my words, nor Butters’ can make you feel and understand love the way you want to, this surely will:

The BEST love song mixtape (yes, i said mixtape. it will always sound better than “playlist” or “mixed cd”. 10 points for 90’s nostalgia.) ever:

1. Boats and Birds --> Gregory and the Hawk

2. Fix You --> Coldplay

3. A Thousand Years --> Christina Perri

4. Wake Up --> Coheed and Cambria

5. We Found Each Other In The Dark --> City and Colour

6. Someone Like You --> Adele

7. The Night Will Always Win --> Elbow

8. Such Great Heights --> The Postal Service

9. Lover, You Should Have Come Over --> Jeff Buckley

10. I and Love and You --> The Avett Brothers

11. I Will Follow You Into The Dark --> Death Cab For Cutie

12. Til Kingdom Come --> Coldplay

13. Dust to Dust --> The Civil Wars

14. No One’s Gonna Love You --> Band of Horses

15. Everlasting Light --> The Black Keys

16. I Won’t Give Up --> Jason Mraz

17. Us --> Regina Spektor

18. After Hours --> We Are Scientists

Enjoy.

And let yourself fall in love.

Ish My Autistic Teenage Brother Says

Teenage boys are weird.

Throw a little Aspergers into the mix and you’ve really got a kid that says the darndest things .

Did I mention he’s also a Ginger???

;)

“I think the Ferris Wheel was going a little too fast. The purpose of a Ferris Wheel is to see things, and if it’s going too fast, well it just defeats the purpose.”

“A good excuse for why your parents aren’t home is “they got murdered in Iceland”.”

“Can’t really go do anything when you have your favorite cat in your lap.”

*walks into my room* “I’m gonna do some planking.” *lays down on the ground*

“One of these days some 14-year-old is going to click on something on his desktop and suddenly the whole world is going to end.”

Jeff: I wish I had a clarinet

Me: Would you know what to do with one?

Jeff: Oh I can make it sing til Hollywood, my friend! Or at least til MoTown if I’m on a limited budget.

“Why ask teachers when you can just ask Google?”

“”Up” is more of a love story in the first 20 minutes than “Twilight” can even try to be in all 4 of its books. Fact.”

“Whoever created that old “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” movie must have been on some sort of acid or LSD trip.”

“Her boobs are so huge. They look like they are going to explode. Enough PSI and it’ll kill her.”

Jeff: I’m glad you’re feeling better.

Me: Thanks. It could have been worse though.

Jeff: Yeah, North Korea could be invading us.

"When I was younger, I used to look up to you. Now I’m older, and taller, and now you look up to me!"

Jeff: You’re my mentor. I really look up to you.

Me: Aww, thanks Jeff, that’s really sweet.

Jeff: Yeah. Have you ever seen the South Park episode called “Pee”?

“If you’re gonna jump out of an airplane, make sure you land on your knees....or have a jetpack.”

“Ugh. Kids these days. They’re always dating and texting on their cell phones. Why can’t they pay attention to anything important? Like reading “Consumer Reports”.

“I think in this economy people should really buy American cars. People are really getting fooled by foreign cars.”

“My armpits smell like beef and cheese.”

Me: I can do whatever I want

Jeff: Is it because you are 27?

Me: Yes

“I like "South Park" because it is so politically INcorrect.”

“I hope dad doesn’t get Alzheimer’s and have to go to a nursing home. Then he’d be more angry than he already is.”

“If dad died right now I’d get to drive his Lincoln Mark VIII.”

“Every day, you think I go to school, but really I go to the Cayman Islands and party.”

“Our 8th grade trip is to Washington DC this year. You know, if I go into politics I’ll be living in DC. When I’m on the trip I should look into good places to live out there.”

“Dad, you should really cut back on the Pepsi One. All that soda can lead to a heart attack.”

“Oh mom, you worry too much. You’re just stuck in the 1940’s.”

((our mom was born in ’59...))

After my recent breakup: “I’m sorry about your sad situations. But it’ll be ok. At least you have me.”

“I’m worried about this road trip with dad. What if we’re driving and he has a heart attack? Am I going to have to drive, do CPR and call 911 all at once?”

“I hope you’re car’s ok. I’d hate for it to overheat. Especially if you’re on some backroads. And at night. That would just be the worst possible situation.”

“I can’t believe they are giving iPads to 5th graders. 5th graders are in no way responsible enough.”

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Jeff: Something to do with politics. Or engineering. Or business. I’d like to own my own business someday....like an ice cream shop. Oh man, that would be so cool. I would just eat ice cream every day.

“I’m trying to think of some options to get out of Band Camp....the stomach flu? No, too cliche. I know. I got abducted by aliens.”

.......each day, something truly awesome comes out of that kid’s mouth.

#Jeffisms

You're Never Too Old for Your First Time

I’m 27, and believe it or not, I still hold on to a lot of v-cards. But the last month has been filled with a plethora of firsts. I feel so liberated! I definitely see the world with wide open, experienced eyes! Let me tell you all about my new experiences:

1. Eating a Twinkie

Yes. You read correctly. I tried a Twinkie for the first time. I bet you are just astounded. even last year when the end of life for the cream-filled sponge cake treat was looming, I was not partaking with the masses and rushing to the store. Eating one of these American classics was never on my bucket list. But, when they made their comeback my boss brought a box in to work and they were just sitting there. Peer pressuring me with the bright colors and flashy tagline: “The sweetest comeback ever”. I grabbed one, took a bite out of nostalgia and instantly wished I hadn’t. The sticky, soggy, stale texture alone was worth a spit out. It tasted of preservatives and ickiness. My tastebuds were pissed. Here’s proof that you don’t need to try everything once.

2. An Overheated Engine

The recent heat wave has shown no mercy. My “little engine that could”, Cupcake, almost could not. It was high noon on the hottest day of the year. Suddenly, the A/C went out and I was punched in the face with thick, sweltering heat blasting out of my vents. The needle on the temperature gauge was rising. I was so close to home. I heard my ’97 Kia Sephia trying to stay alive and make it up the hill, “I think I can, I think I can...” Finally, we pulled into the driveway, just as the steam was escaping from under the hood. We made it. But due to an aging seal, poor Cupcake’s radiator was dry. Luckily, thanks to ebay and an automotive-minded father, Cupcake will make it through another beastly summer.

3. A Counterfeit Bill (....and other Northside banking experiences)

About a month ago I moved from Never-heard-of-it-Small-Town, WI to La Crosse, WI. I was able to transfer to the local bank branch up here. I went from a cliental of mainly senior citizens who have lived there for generations, everybody knew everybody and they all had an opinion of everybody’s business, to a larger city of 51,000+ people, and a North side that was home to some very interesting characters, and a bit of crime. I was instantly told stories of hold-ups, counterfeits, and the woman who calls daily making sure no one from the government got into her safety deposit box. Only when I lived in Sanford, FL for a few years was I ever witness to any crime. Small Town, WI was a pretty quiet place. So, was I excited when during one deposit, the counter machine detected a counterfeit! I felt like I was in a movie. Not really. But it was still pretty neat. The bill was clearly a fake - those criminals need a bit more practice, but it was a decent effort. The cops came, took the green paper and pretty quickly knew the culprit. Which almost made me feel like I was in an episode of CSI. Again, not really. But still neat. The week ended with a few other notable sitings: A shirtless man on a unicycle. A bullet casing in the parking lot (44 Magnum). The SWAT team running through a Meth bust drill (it’s becoming a problem around here). Peaches. (check out her YouTube!) I love this town.

4. My first photoshoot of a person

I love photography. (check out my Flickr photostream!) I can see almost anything and find it beautiful and interesting. Memories may fade but photography can make any moment seem infinite. The can turn any object into art. I post the photos of my artsy excursions online, hoping others will appreciate the beauty I find, and one person appreciated it so much, she asked me to shoot her son’s 4 yr pictures for her! Flowers may move in the wind, sometimes making it hard to get the perfect shot, but they don’t move nearly as much as a 4-year-old boy. But after 2 hours and 2 parks, they turned out pretty well (see for yourself!), and even got me 3 more prospective clients! Success! This hobby may become a sidejob! Stay tuned!

5. Watched the original 1960’s Batman TV show

Smack! Bang!! Pow!!! In life there are just some classics that need to be experienced. Staples that need to be read, watched, listened to and visited. The 1960’s Batman television show starring Adam West is just that. Before 3D. Before HD. Before CGI. Simply entertaining. A must-see. You will shake your head. You will laugh. You will love it. Watch now!!

6. A Real Cliche of a Breakup.

After 6 1/2 years, my boyfriend and I broke up. Hence the aforementioned move from Small Town, WI to La Crosse, WI. At 27 I of course have gone through other breakups, but I’ve never really been too affected. I have always done the breaking up, and have always felt free and relieved rather than sad and lonely. But this one was different. This one was the first true love. This one hurt. This one changed me. It also took about a month to truly hit me. Last week I find myself to be the stereotypical character in a Romantic/Breakup Comedy. I was wearing yoga pants, drinking beer, eating ice cream and watching movies like “Serendipity”. I was having strange thoughts for the first time like, “I am going to be alone forever” and “I’ll never find anyone like him”. You’d think, that even though I again initiated the breaking up, that I’d be just fine. But I have learned that just because you are no longer in love with someone, that doesn’t mean you no longer love them. The phrase “It’s not you, it’s me” can ring true. And a broken heart can be felt physically. I have learned that I am not as stone-cold as I thought. There is a normal person inside me, with normal feelings, like love and lonliness. And right now, she wants chocolate. Excuse me while I binge....

Life. It isn’t always predictable. But it sure is interesting.

And every part of life has a soundtrack.

Here’s my current playlist, helping me along on my path of new experiences:

1. Help I’m Alive --> Metric

2. Fool In The Rain --> Led Zeppelin

3. Little Spark --> Jessie Baylin

4. Days --> The Drums

5. Close Your Eyes --> Young Love

6. Lover, You Should’ve Come Over --> Jeff Buckley

7. The Night Will Always Win --> Elbow

8. Born to Die --> Lana Del Rey

9. Safe and Sound --> Capital Cities

10. In The End --> The Royal Concept

11. Ho Hey --> The Lumineers

12. Young Blood --> The Naked and Famous

13. Everlasting Light --> The Black Keys

14. Carried Away --> Passion Pit

15. Little Talks --> Of Monsters and Men

16. Walking On A Dream --> Empire of the Sun

17. This Sweet Love --> James Yuill

18. We Looked Like Giants --> Death Cab for Cutie

Listen. Love. Live.