....a part of me died.
and it has taken this long for a new part of me to be reborn.
i had lost myself.
i had followed.
And now, finally, on my own, I start over.....again.
((Any idea exactly how many times one is given to start over?? I’ve got to be at the max by now...))
-Seven year itch-
-7 years bad luck-
-Lucky number 7-
-Time flies-
-Only time will tell-
-Time is on my side-
-Once Upon a Time-
THE MAN IN THE PARK
I was once sitting in a park, in the middle of a noisy metropolis. The sun, reflecting off the glass high-rises and peaking through the green leaves of ancient trees, touched my skin so softly that its warmth felt human. The breeze held a voice, so sweet and indistinct between a dove or an angel. I sat. I sat and released myself to this place. Toxins of bad thoughts and painful memories crept out of my pores. I just sat, and watched, absorbing the lives of those around me, trying to hear their innermost thoughts, to fill a void within me. Just as I was close to interpreting a conversation, a man appeared at my side. His eyes were so peaceful and calm, mesmerizing me before I had a chance to be startled. And then he spoke.
“Child,” he said to me, “Why do you sit here? What cure do you seek and for what ailment to you seek it for? As if one of these lives is a life you hope to steal for your own.”
Upon looking at him I was able to see through him and into myself. Dark shadows were consuming my once lively soul. This might be my only chance to reignite the spark of my lifeless being.
I stood up. Walked the path along the water, and went home.
Thousands of miles. To my true home. It was somewhat prodigal. And completely humbling.
******* ******* ******* *******
7 years ago today, at age 20, I was in the hospital.
At 6am that morning, after 25 hours of labor, mostly alone, I gave birth to my daughter.
She slept in my arms that night, so peaceful and sweet.
The next day I placed her in the arms of a very loving family, and watched them take her home.
Even though knowing I was giving her the best life anyone could give, it is hard to not hate yourself for not being able to be the one to provide it.
Growing up, having a mom who ran away in the middle of the night, never to return, I promised myself if I ever have children I would be there all the time, every second, and make sure during each of those seconds they know I love them.
It’s hard not to hate yourself for breaking that promise. It’s hard to not feel like I became my mother.
Forgiveness is difficult enough in most any situation, but I think forgiving yourself is the toughest.
I have told myself many times I am over it and said, “Self, I forgive you.”....but it is with age and maturity I have finally confronted the lie with myself and I can still say, “Self, I am disappointed in you. I still hurt. But, I can learn to love you. And I will forgive you. But you have got to stand up and “carpe diem” the hell out of life right now and be happy, because you are awesome.”
Or something along those lines.
That being said, regrets are a silly waste of time. My journey to forgiveness involves getting over these regrets, and accomplishing those dreams I have hidden away for years.
I need to be proud of myself.
I need to feel happy about who I am.
Sitting around drowning in sadness is not the answer.
So, here it is, time for a change. More like a swift kick in my own ass, but however you want to say it. ;)
The Plan?
A Bucket List of sorts.
More like a “Fulfill My Dreams” list, a "Finally Feel Alive" list, a "Get Out of Rock Bottom" list (ok I'm sure you've got the point...) full of things I have been wanting to do forever, but have been too pathetically sad to do them.
The motivation bug has bit me. And it doesn’t hurt at all.
Follow along with me on my journey, won’t you?
Here’s my list:
(in no particular order whatsoever)
1. Learn the guitar (I already have an acoustic and an electric, and I taught myself the piano when I was 8.....what’s been stopping me??!?)
2. Write and publish a book (I have so many ideas and outlines, and this is by far my biggest dream)
3. Join a Yoga class (being active and healthy with other people is good for the mind and body!)
4. Get out of the country (even though Mexico and Canada technically count, for this list they don’t...more like get off of the continent....which requires 4a: get a passport)
5. Go skydiving (cliche, I know, but I am terrified of heights, but facing your fears in a rush once in a while has to be a good thing)
6. Take an “adult” vacation (I have never gone on a vacation with friends....only family or a BF)
7. Paint a picture, knit a scarf, and actually finish it (I have started 5......)
8. Volunteer (i have a few times here and there, but this needs to be a somewhat regular thing for an extended period of time)
9. Return to and finish college (I have about 1.5 yrs left)
10. Forgive myself (haha....that one will be the last one accomplished I’m sure)
11. Become a home chef (a bit “Julie & Julia”-esque , I love cooking, but don’t know much of the fundamentals...pick a cookbook and learn from it)
12. The Classics (compile a list of the best/most influential/must read/see timeless books and movies I have not read/seen yet, and well, read/watch them....this will be good for lazy days)
13. Go skiing (when I was little I would stare at the baby blue and white ski's my mother left behind...and I've always imagined myself going downhill in them like she did. Like her, those ski's are now long gone, but my dream isn't...and winter is coming!)
14. See NYC in the fall (They have even made a movie about how beautiful it is! I have been once, in the Spring, 6 months after 9/11. I feel it's time to see the city healed, at the most beautiful time of year.)
15. Attend a Packers game (I find it quite pathetic that this Wisconsin girl has never been. I have spent countless Sunday's watching them from barstools and my own couch, but never in their home. Sad face.)
16. Go to a Hot Air Balloon Festival (not to ride….that would be terrifyingly ridiculous. But only to bring my camera and take some of the most beautiful photos…and instagram 90% of them.)
17. Attend an "Ugly Christmas Sweater" party (and of course, purchase said ugly sweater at Goodwill or some 2nd hand shop, and then take way too many condemning pictures
******* ******* *******
This is a good start for now. I’m sure more will come up, and they will be added. What is the point of life if you run out of things you want to stay alive for?
Stay tuned....
Wish me luck!
"Boy With Autism victim of ALS Ice Bucket Challenge Prank"
I read the above article today, and short of eating bad food, nothing has caused such an instantly negative, physical reaction within me. I started crying, I wanted to vomit, and then I wanted to hug the boy and his family. The fact that there are still such cruel and ignorant people out there (when they are imperfect themselves) breaks my heart.
My brother is 15. He is also Autistic. And to me, he is perfect. I wouldn’t have him any other way. We were all blessed to have him grow to be very high-functioning, but there were many days during his childhood where we as a family struggled with him. We did fear that he wouldn’t eventually go to school, make friends, get a job, drive, or have any other part in the “American dream”. But even with all of that, through the tantrums and communication barriers we never loved him any less.
When he was 5 he knew every state, state capital and state motto. He knows every make and model of any car. He is an expert on trains. He has GPS built into his head. He watches the news and the weather channel. And every day he hugs me and tells me, “You’re a good person, and a great sister.” Sure, not every family is as lucky as we turned out to be. But we had looks. Eye rolls. Stares. Glares. And sometimes, even compassion. Because the good people out there knew he couldn’t help it. Not everything is under the control of the child or the parent. But both the child and the parent deserve love and support. Even from strangers.
Everyone born into this world is born innocent. Even the deaf, blind, those with Autism, Downs Syndrome, MS, missing fingers, a multitude of freckles, or crooked teeth, are all worthy of love, and kindness and understanding. People are born the way they are born with no choice in how their DNA is structured. But everyone is born just the way they should be. And they are all beautiful.
No one is going to understand everything, and yet even without that understanding the world still turns.
What is the meaning of life? I don’t know.
How did we get here? I don’t know.
But what I do know is that one day we won’t be here, so why not make life be the best we can?
World peace seems like Miss America’s pipe dream. The biggest cliche. Even still, there is not one reason it shouldn’t be everyone’s dream. There is not one reason it can’t be possible.
Do good.
Be good.
It shouldn’t be so hard.
Not everyone needs to be the same, believe the same, or feel the same. We aren’t mass produced robots, nor should we want to be. Why is it that we can appreciate the beauty of every snowflake, each one different from the last, but strain to find anything beautiful and miraculous about each other? Accept the differences. You don’t need to conform, but accept what is.
Or don’t. Whether an individual likes it or not, people are still going to be white, black, skinny, fat, Muslim, Christian, gay, straight, or Autistic. It is what it is and it isn’t so bad. Love each other! Or at least be civil.
“Mother’s” from days of old sure had it right; “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” Disagreeing is normal, our opinions are partly what makes us our unique selves, but there is a distinct difference in definitions between the words “opinion” and “fact”...and many people need to be aware that their opinions are not fact. Those opinions which spread hate, and hurt, and shame and fear are never fact. We may all be unique individuals, but at the exact same time we are all human. We all have skin and bones holding us together, and holding our beating hearts in place. The air I breathe in is the same air you breathe out. A smile means the same thing no matter who is doing the smiling or which continent it may be happening in. And so does a hug.
Nothing is without consequence.
No act of love.
No act of hate.
Something always affects someone.
It’s funny, how much of the world’s cultures are based on some part of religion. It’s also funny how many wars are being fought due to some religious clashes. Yet most religions, Christian, Muslim, Jewish, those who worship the Golden Rule, have the same fundamental base: Do good. Be good.
So why the hate? I may not read the same book as you, but both of our books tell us to be kind, and to love each other.
Maybe we need to work on our literacy.
In life, bad things will happen to you. Someone will leave, someone will die. There will be a tornado, a fire, an accident. The market will crash. You will get sick. Someone will say you look funny. You’ll forget to set your alarm. You will spill your coffee on your white shirt.
No matter what bad things happen, it doesn’t mean you have to become bad. It will be hard. It will change you. In life, the good and the bad form you. But you still have the final say in who you are.
Do good.
Be good.
Give when you can. Accept help when you have to.
See the beauty in the world.
Every act of kindness can prevent one act of hate. The storms will still rage and the coffee will still spill, but the cruel words and acts of violence are completely within our control.
"life, as beautiful as a rose can be as painful as a thorn, but through it comes faith, hope, love and the most memorable and vital lessons learned only through the experiences of it all"
Do good.
Be good.
Be empowered to spread it.
UPDATE: Ice Bucket Pranksters Identified
