She -- The Ruby Slipper version

Yesterday, December 6th, marked 24 years since my mother went missing.

A lot happens in 24 years.

It’s a quarter of a lifetime.

It was 1989. Look at how the world has changed since then. Music, the internet, text messaging, fashion, everything. I have grown up, I have changed. Many times. I am no longer that 3 year old. And I barely remember the few memories I had of her.

I have seen the movie “The Wizard of Oz” at least a hundred times. When I was little, after she disappeared, my father went back to school to get his college degree. During his night classes my grandparents would come over and watch me. For about a month and a half straight, until my grandmother could take it no longer, “The Wizard of Oz” was the nightly movie of choice.

It’s strange, growing up and seeing pictures of my mother, hearing stories, it still seems like a strange Grimm’s Fairy Tale that was told to me. Not something that actually happened and was once a part of my life. The thought of flying monkeys and talking scarecrows seem more realistic. I remember thinking that if I clicked my heals just like Dorothy that somehow, everything would go back to normal. I would be back over that rainbow, living this magical life with both of my parents just as I should.

That feeling and those dreams eventually faded. Days, then weeks, and sometimes even months would go bye without a thought of her.

I was told she said she had a conference to go to. I was told her work called my father that next day asking where she was. I was told there was no such conference, and her whereabouts were unknown. I have spent 24 years “knowing” she left us.

A few years ago I had written a blog in what I believed was from her viewpoint of the event. For most of my life I had felt abandoned. unloved. bitter. I often found myself running away from people and any sort of confrontation and I blamed it on her. I said the only thing she ever taught me was to leave. Soon I didn’t see her as an actual person that existed or may still exist, but an excuse for every negative thing about me. I had heard she could be stubborn and independent to the point of selfish. Unaffectionate to the point of unloving. Yet free-spirited and quite artistic with her words and her camera. Sometimes I thought she was an entity of my past and an image of my future self.

A few weeks ago, all of that changed.

I had received an email from an officer who had reopened the case and was determined to solve the mystery. So sure she hadn’t left. Certain something had happened. It was during this 2 hour conversation that I learned more about my mother and the woman she was than I had ever known, or really, cared to know. In so many ways it was easier to accept she didn’t care and had just left. If she happened to be an amazingly loving mother and was taken from me, well, it seems so much more heartbreaking. I know that sounds confusing, and I’m sure my viewpoint on that will eventually change, but when the mind accepts something a certain way in order to cope and move on, any sort of shift in that mindset can be very difficult to deal with, especially with something so heavy.

So, yesterday, knowing the 24th anniversary was here, and with these new feelings on who she was and who she might have been, I foraged deep within the cave of boxes in my basement and found gold. I found every article she had written for the Burlington Standard Press, love letters between she and my father, and even letters of congratulations from her boss when she took a new opportunity elsewhere (he stated he was “excited she was one step closer to her dream of writing for the New York Times’. I want to write for the New York Times. It was a beautiful moment to feel so connected). I went back to my old photo albums and saw the pictures of the two of us in a whole new light.

For the first time in 24 years I felt loved. I felt connected. I felt I missed her. I felt she was real.

And I felt, for just a moment, if I clicked my heals together just right, maybe I could see her face just one more time.

Hold on to those you have. Give them all of your love, every moment you can.

Kerry O'Brien Krueger - Missing Person Report

KEEP CALM and...

...well that’s it. Just keep calm. Calm down. Wooosaahhh. Simmer.

After 11 years of working in some avenue of the Customer Service industry, I have discovered my biggest pet peeve. Also, I have found that a lot of people are assholes. And it just can’t be necessary.

The pet peeve part? Here goes:

I’m doing my job, whatever it may be: refilling their coffee, completing their transaction of the sale of a shirt, or a cell phone payment, or their paycheck deposit. Upon completion, this is the most common way the conversation goes:

Me: Alright, you’re all set! Have a great day! :)

Them: Yep.

.........waiting........*they walk/drive away*..........*my jaw drops*........

Seriously!??!?!? All I get is “Yep”??!!? First of all the lack of manners is appalling (Um, YOU’RE WELCOME!!!!! Thanks for saying THANKS!!!), but what’s worse, is I wish upon you a “great day” and you just take it and run with a “Yep”?!?!?!? Do you not hope I also have a good day? Is saying “You too” just too many syllables for your vocal chords and mouth to form that a singular “Yep” is all you can possibly muster? I mean really people. Really. You don’t have to spend hours of your day daydreaming all of the wonderful things you possibly could hope to happen to me, you don’t even have to deep down truly mean it. But seriously. Say “you too” when someone tells you to have a nice day, or else you’re just a jerk who deserves to step into a deep puddle. How rude!

Continuing on that note, when did we become so elitist? And where did this sense of entitlement come from!?!??

I truly believe, while the government may be a bit too “involved” in certain aspects of our lives, it should be law that everyone’s first job should be in Customer Service. The world would learn a lot. And I bet there would be a decrease in big meanies.

Until that happens, here are a few lessons I have learned, and a few pieces of advice I’d love to pass on:

1. When you are at the bank, or the cell phone store, or liquor store, or WHEREVER, and they ask for your ID, just show it!! Don’t say “Why?” or “Well they know me here” or anything other than “Sure!”. I don’t care who knows you or how famous you think you are, in many businesses, it is their company’s policy to ask for identification. Even if I am working and you are my relative or best friend, I have to ask you or I will be fired. And I mean really, in many cases it’s for your own protection that it is verified. And if you think your picture is bad.....well.....you are showing that same face in public right now....so....stay inside if it’s that big of a deal. Or do you not want to show it because it is just too difficult for you to pull it out of your purse or back pocket? Well then you’re probably the same lazy person who won’t say “You too” when I wish you a good day. Or wait, what? You left your ID at home like always? Well have fun when you get pulled over and get an extra ticket for not having ID on you. See? It’s the LAW!!! (Or do you also tell the officer that you don’t need it since they all know you down at the precinct? Well, aren’t you special.)

2. Don’t yell at the bank teller if you have an overdraft fee. Or the cashier at the cell phone store when you have a late fee. (Yes, I have been told, “You charged me a fee and I am not going to pay it!”.....well, no Mr. Ass, I didn’t. I did not physically look up your account to see if you were late or had a negative balance and then physically put a fee on there. The company’s automated system did that. If you were responsible and paid on time or were smart enough to balance your account, this wouldn’t have happened. It is 100% your own fault.) TRUE STORY: I was working as a rep at a cell store, and a man came in saying he needed to get his phone repaired, and this was the 3rd time he was coming in. He proceeded to tell me that I didn’t fix it right the first 2 times and I needed to pay his insurance fees and blah blah blah....I kept calm and matter of factly told him that I am not a tech so I have never touched his phone before. I also can’t afford to pay his insurance fees but if I was rich I would love to pull my debit card out and pay the $$ that needs to be paid for the phone that he initially dropped and broke. After more yelling and finger pointing I find out that it is actually his wife’s phone and he’s just in there trying to get it fixed because he is so tired of her complaining and yelling at him for it not working properly. To which I responded, “So you’re sick of your wife yelling at you so you come in and yell at a stranger in hopes that will fix things?” A million rude comments from him later, while I continue to sit back calmly with a smile on my face (which no doubt made him more upset) a coworker came up to us, slammed his hand down on my desk and yelled, “HEY! You are not going to be so rude to her any more. It’s your fault the phone is broken, if you want it fixed you have to pay. That’s the policy. And if you just feel like yelling at someone yell at me!” The man got up and muttered something under his breath, but I made sure before he walked out the door to say, “Have a nice day!!!”....he didn’t respond.

3. Expanding on this finger pointing and “you did this” thing.....understand the difference between the person who just works there and the actual company/automated occurrences. If your cell tower is down, the rep at the store did not turn that tower off. So don’t blame them. If the website where you pay your bills is down, the rep did not shut the website off. If the coupon expired yesterday and you were out of town and could only go shopping today, it was not the representative who chose the sale dates, or forced you to go out of town then. (There will be another coupon next week, for sure.) If the store has set a limit of 10 in $1 flip flops, and you have 32 children, again, the rep did NOT make that happen....most likely....Either way, stuff happens. sometimes it’s beyond anyone’s control, and if you really feel like you are SOOO important that YOU specifically deserve special treatment (ever hear the saying, “well if I make an exception for one I have to make an exception for all”?....don’t be greedy. You aren’t better than anyone.) try being nice, and say things like “please” and “thank you” and “HAVE A NICE DAY” !!!!

4. Tip your servers and bartenders. Seriously. Just do it. If you can afford a drink or a meal but can’t afford a decent tip on top of it, YOU CAN’T AFFORD TO GO OUT. Yes, I understand it is of their own choosing to work at a place where they get $2something an hour, but maybe their choices are limited....you don’t know, and you shouldn’t judge. Either way, it’s their job and they work hard. If they’re taking longer than preferred to bring you a refill, look around! Is it busy? Do they have other tables? (again, you aren’t the only and most important person.) When they ask you if there is anything else you need, and you say “a napkin” and then they come back with one and then you say, “Oh can I also get butter?” and then they come back with that and then you ask for......STOP! Ask for it all at once! Servers are amazing at carrying multiple things at once, plus, all of your demanding is wasting their time, other tables’ time, and even your precious time. If you have children, control them. This is a topic I could spend a million paragraphs on, but in short: don’t let them run around, if they throw their entire meal everywhere you should at least clean some of it up, and if they are screaming and yelling you need to invest in a muzzle or a babysitter. Your child can affect everyone in the entire restaurant, and everyone deserves an enjoyable dining experience.

There are many many many more lessons I could teach, but we'll just start with this. In general, be patient. Keep calm. Be nice. Things happen, people have bad days, but don’t you think that if you’re having a bad day, maybe the person you are being rude to is also having a bad day? And you’re just making it worse. Or maybe their day was fine....until you came along.

That being said, I’d like a give you all a challenge. Actually 2. First of all, say “you too” when someone says, “Have a nice day”. Second, try to give at least one stranger one compliment. Be it every day, every couple days, once a week, whenever. Every so often, throw something nice out there.

“I like your shirt”

“Oooh! Pretty eye makeup!”

“Hey! Neat shoes!”

“Here, let me get the door for you.”

You never know what your nice gesture can do for someone.

Do Good. Be Good.

Make yourself a blessing to someone. Your kind smile or pat on the back just might pull someone back from the edge. ~Carmelia Elliot

What Would You Do?

The other night I was driving to what would have been my 3rd yoga class when something big happened. It was about quarter after 6pm, on one of the first fall-like evenings of the year. it felt simply beautiful driving with the window down, hand out, riding in the wind.

Suddenly I heard tires screeching. I looked up, and beyond the 5 or 6 cars ahead of me I saw smoke. Then fire. Then the screams reached my ears. I can’t tell you what it was but something pulled at my heart. I immediately crossed the other southbound lane to the left of me, and pulled into the median, facing the northbound lane. I left my car, unlocked, window still rolled down, and wallet on my seat, and ran toward the burning car and piles of mutilated metal and glass. A woman stopped me, frantic, “Can I please use your phone? I need to call my husband.” As I handed her my phone I asked if she was hurt. She wasn’t. So I left it with her and ran towards the worst part of the scene. Three men were hovering over the man they had just pulled out of the burning car. He was flailing and screaming. They were pressing a blanket on his severe head wound.

“Is there anyone else in the car?” I asked.

There wasn’t.

I turned around and faced the other car involved. Two men were helping the man still in the drivers seat. I saw a woman, pacing and crying, holding her side with blood coming out of her mouth and all over her left hand. It was her husband still in the car. Her two daughters, also passengers, were sitting on the side of the road, in shock but not visibly badly injured. So I stayed with the woman. I asked her name. Linda. She was terrified for her husband, still stuck in the car, trying to move with the help of the 2 strangers. I finally was able to get Linda to sit, by putting her in view of her husband. We got him to tell her he was ok. She had just returned from Mayo....for her cancer treatment. She said she would never get into a car again.

Finally after what seemed like an eternity, a multitude of police, fire and paramedic personnel arrived. One officer got behind Linda, crouching in the grass behind her, and stabalized her neck. A paramedic in front of her assessed her injuries and bandaged her hand. I let go of her just for a moment to retrieve my phone to get ahold of her brother for her. He didn’t answer. She begged us not to call her father, for “he was too old, and has already been through too much”. I refocused my attention to her, holding her other hand, when the officer asked me to do him a favor. “These mosquitos are terrible and I can’t move as I am holding her head straight. Will you smack them for me?” Before my first slap on his forehead I asked if he was sure - it isn’t every day you’re allowed to hit a cop. He nodded and with each smack of those pests upon his skin I apologized. One unreal and nearly humorous moment in a situation even more unreal and much more horrible.

As it became evident my “help” was less needed, I stepped back and watched the scene.

The firefighters dousing the melted car. The paramedics securing neck braces and hoisting each person on a gurney. The police officers getting statements from each witness, each stranger, each hero. I found myself standing next to a young woman, she looked to be about my age. She had been enjoying the seemingly beautiful evening with a bike ride, when he heard the same tire screeches I had, but they were much closer for her. A car which had swerved out of the way, luckily unharmed (the woman who asked me for my phone) nearly clipped the black of this young woman’s bike in trying to stay out of the accident. But her tires, and quite possibly her life, were spared. She quickly decided when this was settled down and we were able to go she would take the quick way home. After a few more minutes, watching the ambulances begin to drive away and the investigations and clean-up processes start, she said the magnitude of what actually just happened around her was just beginning to hit. She was going to call for a ride home. She tried several friends but no one answered. The scene was nearly clear now and the officer we had spoken to said it was fine for us to leave.

I turned to her and said, “I have the smallest car in the world, but let me take you home. we’ll fit your bike in there somehow”.

She agreed and we walked ourselves and her bike toward the middle of the 4-lane highway where I had left my car. Window still down. Wallet still on seat. As she was taking her front tire off in order to fit it into my tiny little vehicle better, it was then that we finally introduced ourselves. Her name was Taylor. We left the scene, maneuvering through the last remaining emergency vehicles and I drove her back to her dorm downtown. We were both a bit shocked but not too much for friendly conversation during the drive. She is a computer science major. She asked if I was a nurse because I seemed so calm and knowledgeable about Linda possibly having an internal injury. I said I wasn’t.

When we arrived, as she was reassembling her bike, I thought, maybe everything does happen for a reason. Maybe there is such a thing as being at the right place at the right time. and maybe, everyone who comes into your life, no matter in what way or how fleeting their presence may be, maybe they are supposed to be there. Maybe everything means something. Or maybe it doesn’t. But still, I gave her my number (and of course facebook info....I mean, this day in age....) and said, if you need a friend, or a ride, or anything, I’m here. And we’ve spoken since.

And everyone involved in the accident will be just fine.

When I finally drove home that night, much earlier than if I would have made it to my yoga class, I pulled into my driveway, looked up and the now dark and star-filled sky and started shaking. What if it had all turned out worse? I was 20 feet from a vehicle completely engulfed in flames. Linda and everyone else stayed conscious the entire time, but what if she hadn’t? What if those men wouldn’t have stopped to pull a stranger from that burning car? What if I hadn’t stopped? It may be silly to dwell on the “what if’s”, but everything you do, and even choose not to do affects the very next event in your life. And even sometimes later events. And even sometimes other people’s lives.

What would you do?

Check. Check. Check.

The first and greatest victory is to conquer yourself; to be conquered by yourself is of all things most shameful and vile.  ~Plato

Look at everything as though you were seeing it either for the first or last time.  ~Betty Smith, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn

I thought growing up was something that happened automatically as you got older.  But it turns out it's something you have to choose to do.  ~From the television show Scrubs

The ball of panicking nerves that I was is no more. At least not for my yoga class.

It was a great first class - quite the workout, yet very relaxing. Yes, I was sore the next day...right now my body is quite wimpy...but my goodness was I relieved of much of my stress! My “classmates” and instructor are wonderful, and I am definitely quite proud of myself....which is something quite rare for me to say.

The days of someone glaring at me from behind braces and a peanut butter sandwich saying I look funny are over! Granted, today I still tripped twice and spilled coffee on my shirt....but thats just an every day occurrence. Still awkward, but at least I have confidence in my awkwardness.

6 more classes to go and I can officially cross #3 off of my list.

I feel so rejuvenated. So empowered. So mighty!

So I decided to start working on another bucket list item.

#9. Return to and finish college.

I spent the afternoon yesterday getting the first steps all completed. I filled out applications for both UW-LaCrosse and Viterbo University, and all the other requirements such as FAFSA and transcript requests. I feel productive and accomplished! Which is another set of feelings I rarely have.

Yet now, the next steps lie in the hands of other people - admissions counselors.

For the next few weeks I have to sit back and play the waiting game.

This is my least favorite game.

I hate having not having full control of a situation.

If I force myself to look at the bright side, I should be a pro at patience by the time the news comes.

Patience is very becoming. Or something.

Until then, myself and my new-found confidence will be jamming out to a “new-age-new-view-it’s-not-so-bad-and-easier-than-I-thought-why-have-I-been-hiding-under-a-rock-hey-cute-guy-would-you-like-to-go-get-coffee” playlist -->

1. Heartbeat - Kopecky Family Band

2. Awkward - San Cisco

3. Applause - Lady Gaga

4. From the Morning - Nick Drake

5. There is a Light that Never Goes Out - The Smiths

6. Piazza, New York Catcher - Belle & Sebastian

7. I Love It - Icona Pop

8. Home - Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros

9. Mrs. Robinson - Simon and Garfunkel

10. The Promise - When In Rome

11. Can’t You See - The Marshall Tucker Band

12. Against the Wind - Bob Seger

13. Stay - Rihanna

14. Cleopatra - Minature Tigers

15. Good to Sea - Pinback

16. Up - Rob Crow

17. She Doesn’t Get It - The Format

18. Books from Boxes - Maximo Park

19. I Feel It All - Feist

20. Caring Is Creepy - The Shins

21. Major Tom - Shiny Toy Guns

feel free to jam out too!

...and ask that crush out for a coffee.

....and start your own “live without regrets” bucket list, and get to work!!!

in no particular order.

:)

Fear and Awkwardness in Wisconsin

Nothing in life is to be feared.  It is only to be understood.  ~Marie Curie



Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.  ~Bill Cosby

To fear is one thing.  To let fear grab you by the tail and swing you around is another.  ~Katherine Paterson, Jacob Have I Loved

To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom.  ~Bertrand Russell

clumsiness? check.

lack of confidence? check.

awkward? check.

suddenly a first-time victim of fainting spells and panic attacks? check.

In 5th grade, a 6th grader (who’s name I definitely remember and is NOT a Facebook friend!) told me in gym class that I run funny. At lunch she told me I chewed funny.

I’m fairly certain this was the closest I ever had to being bullied, which is by no means complaint-worthy at all, but it has clearly and pathetically stuck with me.

I have a fear of gyms and have never (since once in High School) signed up for any type of exercise class. As I begin to notice aging and post-breakup changes in my body, I’ve decided it’s really time to get over my childhood self-esteem issues and actually take care of myself.

I haven’t worked out in 3 years. The closest thing I’ve had to exercise was 1 Level 1 video session of “The Biggest Loser Yoga” 4 months ago. I usually eat fairly healthy but certainly have my more-than-fair share of Wisconsin foods: beer, cheese, and fried anything.

So I signed up for a Tuesday night 7 week Yoga class downtown.

(If you remember from my “Zero Score and 7 years ago...” blog, this is #3 on the Bucket List (aka “Fulfilling My Dreams”/”Finally Feeling Alive”/”Get Out of Rock Bottom” List))

It starts tomorrow.

I am a ball of panic attacking nerves. I want to throw up. I’ll probably just end up shaking and hyperventilating.

But it’s good to get out of one’s comfort zone. It increases metabolism. Or something.

And of course I have an “Up and At ‘Em - Motivate Me” playlist.

1. Tap the Phone --> Francis and the Lights

2. Wonder --> Dan Black

3. Tonight is the Night --> Outasight

4. Dynamite --> Taio Cruz

5. La Belle et la Bete --> Big Soul

6. E-Pro --> Beck

7. Feel So Close --> Calvin Harris

8. You Make Me Feel --> Cobra Starship

9. Blurred Lines --> Robin Thicke

10. Sail --> AWOLNATION

11. Undercover Martyn --> Two Door Cinema Club

12. My Body --> Young the Giant

13. Walking On A Dream --> Empire of the Sun

14. Safe and Sound --> Capital Cities

15. Carried Away --> Passion Pit

16. Burn it All Down --> VHS or Beta

17. Fall Down --> will.i.am

18. Anything Could Happen --> Ellie Goulding

19. Embers --> Just Jack

20. Terminally Chill --> Neon Indian

Listen.

And Get Up and Get Motivated!

lose your inhibitions.

Do Something.

On Love

“We loved with a love that was more than love” - Edgar Allan Poe

“You can’t choose love, it chooses for you.”

“When love is not madness, it is not love” - Pedro Calderon de la Barca

“Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with everything they have.”

I remember the day the walls came crashing down.

Actually it was the same day I came crashing down.

I fainted at work.

I am 27 years old and am just learning what love really is. What it feels like. How much it can hurt. And how perfectly wonderful it can be. Even still, I don’t fully understand it.

There are many types of love.

Love between family. Between the best of friends. Crushes, flings, infatuation, puppy love...summer love, true love...

I recently ended a 6.5 year relationship with quite possibly, the perfect man. And that makes zero sense, right? Well, I have learned a few things over these last several years.

Love is the most wonderful thing to both give and receive. It may not actually make the world go round, but it does make the world a better place. Having it can make you the happiest you have ever been. Yet losing it can make you feel the worst.

It isn’t easy. Even if it’s “right” it still takes work. How do you know when you know that it is right and true? When the work is worth it. When the happy times flow freely and the hard times can be worked through. I’ve said so many times that these days no one loves like our grandparents loved. High School sweethearts that made it through the Great Depression, World War II and raising 5 kids with one bathroom in the house. These days it seems like divorce papers are filed faster than the speed of light. It seems the desire to work for love isn’t there. We give up instantly. But maybe for good reason... Maybe we know they aren't “the one”. Is it worth the fight if it isn't right?

Just because someone may be “perfect”, doesn’t mean they are perfect for you. He was smart, funny, loving, selfless, affectionate, driven, supportive, attractive and successful. And if that isn’t enough, his family was simply wonderful. So what was the problem? Nothing, really, except for the plain fact that after years together, meeting at a young stage in our lives, we grew apart. Mostly it was me, growing up, growing into who I am. We stopped laughing and started nit-picking. The things I was interested it, he could care less about. After some time, the emotional distance took a toll. We took some time apart, had some time to grow, to think, and even to see other people. Eventually we met again and tried. We tried for 2 more years. I think it mostly came down to the fact that I just couldn’t love him the way he needed. The way he deserved. I loved him. Truly and deeply. But I wasn’t in love with him. He said we became like roommates. Sadly, we were barely even friends anymore.

Towards the end I was so unhappy, but avoided the truth and thought that if I changed everything else in my life, maybe the relationship would somehow get better. I got a new job, started getting back into my hobbies and things I enjoyed that I had left in the dark. I focused on all the reasons why he was perfect and why I really should love him. But still, the inevitable hit me like a wall and the emotional overload took its toll. And I spent a day in the ER. He recognized it. Asked me if I was staying with him just because I would feel guilty for breaking his heart. The thing was, I was breaking it even more by staying there. He was in love, but he wasn’t happy. And it was my fault. So I took a long weekend and went away to the safest, most relaxing place I could think of: my parents’ house. The entire time I was there, it just felt right. Every moment was enlightening. I returned home and he knew. He felt it. And we talked. Like mature adults, matter-of-factly. This was it. I stayed for 2 weeks while I worked on transferring jobs and making living arrangements (which ended up being 27-year-old-me moving back home with my parents...which is a whole different blog...). Strangely enough, those last 2 weeks were the best we had gotten along in a few years. We laughed a lot, spent so much time together, talked about anything and everything. And we cried. A lot. And eventually, we said goodbye. Now it has been 2 months since I have spoken to the person I had talked to daily for 6 1/2 years. It may be the right thing, but at the same time it is the strangest, and hardest thing. I tried to love him. I wanted to. But I couldn’t. It just wasn’t meant to be.

But is anything really meant to be? Is destiny real? Does fate exist? Do we walk through this life as a pawn in a game of predetermined love? Is there really a “the one” for us? Another thing I have learned is that throughout our own individual lives, we ourselves will be many different people. We grow and change so much, and I don’t think it ever comes to a complete stop. So, finding one person perfect for us can only mean that we find someone perfect for who we are at any given moment. Or, even more impossible, finding someone who will be perfect for us throughout all of our changes. They change perfectly right along with us. Perfection means without flaw. Arguments come about because of flaws. And no relationship is without any sort of disagreement. It’s how we react to those flaws and communicate through those disagreements that shows us how “nearly perfect” a person is for us. It’s the good and the bad. Or, “for better or for worse” as they say. There are over 7 billion people on this planet. While each unique, many of us are so similar, and would fit together quite well. I estimate this means there are at least 100 “the one’s” for us. That being said, when one love ends, don’t be discouraged. Another love....a better love....possibly the best love...is out there. Just remember to be yourself. Being loved is wonderful, but being loved for exactly who you are is perfect.

Here's what I say:

“sometimes one of life’s hardest lessons is knowing which way to walk...towards something or away from it.”

“sometimes it’s worth it just to feel...even if it was never real.”

As silly as it may seem, I have found someone who said it just right, in far less words than I have. No one understands love the way South Park character Butters Stotch does:

Butters Stotch, on being dumped and having his heart stepped on with stiletto shoes:

“Yeah I’m sad, but at the same time I’m really happy that something can make me feel that sad. It’s like, it makes me feel alive, you know? It makes me feel human. The only way I could feel this sad now is if I’ve felt something really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good. So I guess what I’m feeling is like a beautiful sadness.”

But if neither my words, nor Butters’ can make you feel and understand love the way you want to, this surely will:

The BEST love song mixtape (yes, i said mixtape. it will always sound better than “playlist” or “mixed cd”. 10 points for 90’s nostalgia.) ever:

1. Boats and Birds --> Gregory and the Hawk

2. Fix You --> Coldplay

3. A Thousand Years --> Christina Perri

4. Wake Up --> Coheed and Cambria

5. We Found Each Other In The Dark --> City and Colour

6. Someone Like You --> Adele

7. The Night Will Always Win --> Elbow

8. Such Great Heights --> The Postal Service

9. Lover, You Should Have Come Over --> Jeff Buckley

10. I and Love and You --> The Avett Brothers

11. I Will Follow You Into The Dark --> Death Cab For Cutie

12. Til Kingdom Come --> Coldplay

13. Dust to Dust --> The Civil Wars

14. No One’s Gonna Love You --> Band of Horses

15. Everlasting Light --> The Black Keys

16. I Won’t Give Up --> Jason Mraz

17. Us --> Regina Spektor

18. After Hours --> We Are Scientists

Enjoy.

And let yourself fall in love.

Ish My Autistic Teenage Brother Says

Teenage boys are weird.

Throw a little Aspergers into the mix and you’ve really got a kid that says the darndest things .

Did I mention he’s also a Ginger???

;)

“I think the Ferris Wheel was going a little too fast. The purpose of a Ferris Wheel is to see things, and if it’s going too fast, well it just defeats the purpose.”

“A good excuse for why your parents aren’t home is “they got murdered in Iceland”.”

“Can’t really go do anything when you have your favorite cat in your lap.”

*walks into my room* “I’m gonna do some planking.” *lays down on the ground*

“One of these days some 14-year-old is going to click on something on his desktop and suddenly the whole world is going to end.”

Jeff: I wish I had a clarinet

Me: Would you know what to do with one?

Jeff: Oh I can make it sing til Hollywood, my friend! Or at least til MoTown if I’m on a limited budget.

“Why ask teachers when you can just ask Google?”

“”Up” is more of a love story in the first 20 minutes than “Twilight” can even try to be in all 4 of its books. Fact.”

“Whoever created that old “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” movie must have been on some sort of acid or LSD trip.”

“Her boobs are so huge. They look like they are going to explode. Enough PSI and it’ll kill her.”

Jeff: I’m glad you’re feeling better.

Me: Thanks. It could have been worse though.

Jeff: Yeah, North Korea could be invading us.

"When I was younger, I used to look up to you. Now I’m older, and taller, and now you look up to me!"

Jeff: You’re my mentor. I really look up to you.

Me: Aww, thanks Jeff, that’s really sweet.

Jeff: Yeah. Have you ever seen the South Park episode called “Pee”?

“If you’re gonna jump out of an airplane, make sure you land on your knees....or have a jetpack.”

“Ugh. Kids these days. They’re always dating and texting on their cell phones. Why can’t they pay attention to anything important? Like reading “Consumer Reports”.

“I think in this economy people should really buy American cars. People are really getting fooled by foreign cars.”

“My armpits smell like beef and cheese.”

Me: I can do whatever I want

Jeff: Is it because you are 27?

Me: Yes

“I like "South Park" because it is so politically INcorrect.”

“I hope dad doesn’t get Alzheimer’s and have to go to a nursing home. Then he’d be more angry than he already is.”

“If dad died right now I’d get to drive his Lincoln Mark VIII.”

“Every day, you think I go to school, but really I go to the Cayman Islands and party.”

“Our 8th grade trip is to Washington DC this year. You know, if I go into politics I’ll be living in DC. When I’m on the trip I should look into good places to live out there.”

“Dad, you should really cut back on the Pepsi One. All that soda can lead to a heart attack.”

“Oh mom, you worry too much. You’re just stuck in the 1940’s.”

((our mom was born in ’59...))

After my recent breakup: “I’m sorry about your sad situations. But it’ll be ok. At least you have me.”

“I’m worried about this road trip with dad. What if we’re driving and he has a heart attack? Am I going to have to drive, do CPR and call 911 all at once?”

“I hope you’re car’s ok. I’d hate for it to overheat. Especially if you’re on some backroads. And at night. That would just be the worst possible situation.”

“I can’t believe they are giving iPads to 5th graders. 5th graders are in no way responsible enough.”

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Jeff: Something to do with politics. Or engineering. Or business. I’d like to own my own business someday....like an ice cream shop. Oh man, that would be so cool. I would just eat ice cream every day.

“I’m trying to think of some options to get out of Band Camp....the stomach flu? No, too cliche. I know. I got abducted by aliens.”

.......each day, something truly awesome comes out of that kid’s mouth.

#Jeffisms

You're Never Too Old for Your First Time

I’m 27, and believe it or not, I still hold on to a lot of v-cards. But the last month has been filled with a plethora of firsts. I feel so liberated! I definitely see the world with wide open, experienced eyes! Let me tell you all about my new experiences:

1. Eating a Twinkie

Yes. You read correctly. I tried a Twinkie for the first time. I bet you are just astounded. even last year when the end of life for the cream-filled sponge cake treat was looming, I was not partaking with the masses and rushing to the store. Eating one of these American classics was never on my bucket list. But, when they made their comeback my boss brought a box in to work and they were just sitting there. Peer pressuring me with the bright colors and flashy tagline: “The sweetest comeback ever”. I grabbed one, took a bite out of nostalgia and instantly wished I hadn’t. The sticky, soggy, stale texture alone was worth a spit out. It tasted of preservatives and ickiness. My tastebuds were pissed. Here’s proof that you don’t need to try everything once.

2. An Overheated Engine

The recent heat wave has shown no mercy. My “little engine that could”, Cupcake, almost could not. It was high noon on the hottest day of the year. Suddenly, the A/C went out and I was punched in the face with thick, sweltering heat blasting out of my vents. The needle on the temperature gauge was rising. I was so close to home. I heard my ’97 Kia Sephia trying to stay alive and make it up the hill, “I think I can, I think I can...” Finally, we pulled into the driveway, just as the steam was escaping from under the hood. We made it. But due to an aging seal, poor Cupcake’s radiator was dry. Luckily, thanks to ebay and an automotive-minded father, Cupcake will make it through another beastly summer.

3. A Counterfeit Bill (....and other Northside banking experiences)

About a month ago I moved from Never-heard-of-it-Small-Town, WI to La Crosse, WI. I was able to transfer to the local bank branch up here. I went from a cliental of mainly senior citizens who have lived there for generations, everybody knew everybody and they all had an opinion of everybody’s business, to a larger city of 51,000+ people, and a North side that was home to some very interesting characters, and a bit of crime. I was instantly told stories of hold-ups, counterfeits, and the woman who calls daily making sure no one from the government got into her safety deposit box. Only when I lived in Sanford, FL for a few years was I ever witness to any crime. Small Town, WI was a pretty quiet place. So, was I excited when during one deposit, the counter machine detected a counterfeit! I felt like I was in a movie. Not really. But it was still pretty neat. The bill was clearly a fake - those criminals need a bit more practice, but it was a decent effort. The cops came, took the green paper and pretty quickly knew the culprit. Which almost made me feel like I was in an episode of CSI. Again, not really. But still neat. The week ended with a few other notable sitings: A shirtless man on a unicycle. A bullet casing in the parking lot (44 Magnum). The SWAT team running through a Meth bust drill (it’s becoming a problem around here). Peaches. (check out her YouTube!) I love this town.

4. My first photoshoot of a person

I love photography. (check out my Flickr photostream!) I can see almost anything and find it beautiful and interesting. Memories may fade but photography can make any moment seem infinite. The can turn any object into art. I post the photos of my artsy excursions online, hoping others will appreciate the beauty I find, and one person appreciated it so much, she asked me to shoot her son’s 4 yr pictures for her! Flowers may move in the wind, sometimes making it hard to get the perfect shot, but they don’t move nearly as much as a 4-year-old boy. But after 2 hours and 2 parks, they turned out pretty well (see for yourself!), and even got me 3 more prospective clients! Success! This hobby may become a sidejob! Stay tuned!

5. Watched the original 1960’s Batman TV show

Smack! Bang!! Pow!!! In life there are just some classics that need to be experienced. Staples that need to be read, watched, listened to and visited. The 1960’s Batman television show starring Adam West is just that. Before 3D. Before HD. Before CGI. Simply entertaining. A must-see. You will shake your head. You will laugh. You will love it. Watch now!!

6. A Real Cliche of a Breakup.

After 6 1/2 years, my boyfriend and I broke up. Hence the aforementioned move from Small Town, WI to La Crosse, WI. At 27 I of course have gone through other breakups, but I’ve never really been too affected. I have always done the breaking up, and have always felt free and relieved rather than sad and lonely. But this one was different. This one was the first true love. This one hurt. This one changed me. It also took about a month to truly hit me. Last week I find myself to be the stereotypical character in a Romantic/Breakup Comedy. I was wearing yoga pants, drinking beer, eating ice cream and watching movies like “Serendipity”. I was having strange thoughts for the first time like, “I am going to be alone forever” and “I’ll never find anyone like him”. You’d think, that even though I again initiated the breaking up, that I’d be just fine. But I have learned that just because you are no longer in love with someone, that doesn’t mean you no longer love them. The phrase “It’s not you, it’s me” can ring true. And a broken heart can be felt physically. I have learned that I am not as stone-cold as I thought. There is a normal person inside me, with normal feelings, like love and lonliness. And right now, she wants chocolate. Excuse me while I binge....

Life. It isn’t always predictable. But it sure is interesting.

And every part of life has a soundtrack.

Here’s my current playlist, helping me along on my path of new experiences:

1. Help I’m Alive --> Metric

2. Fool In The Rain --> Led Zeppelin

3. Little Spark --> Jessie Baylin

4. Days --> The Drums

5. Close Your Eyes --> Young Love

6. Lover, You Should’ve Come Over --> Jeff Buckley

7. The Night Will Always Win --> Elbow

8. Born to Die --> Lana Del Rey

9. Safe and Sound --> Capital Cities

10. In The End --> The Royal Concept

11. Ho Hey --> The Lumineers

12. Young Blood --> The Naked and Famous

13. Everlasting Light --> The Black Keys

14. Carried Away --> Passion Pit

15. Little Talks --> Of Monsters and Men

16. Walking On A Dream --> Empire of the Sun

17. This Sweet Love --> James Yuill

18. We Looked Like Giants --> Death Cab for Cutie

Listen. Love. Live.

Zero Score and 7 years ago today....

....a part of me died.

and it has taken this long for a new part of me to be reborn.

i had lost myself.

i had followed.

And now, finally, on my own, I start over.....again. ((Any idea exactly how many times one is given to start over?? I’ve got to be at the max by now...))

-Seven year itch-

-7 years bad luck-

-Lucky number 7-

 

-Time flies-

-Only time will tell-

-Time is on my side-

-Once Upon a Time-

THE MAN IN THE PARK

I was once sitting in a park, in the middle of a noisy metropolis. The sun, reflecting off the glass high-rises and peaking through the green leaves of ancient trees, touched my skin so softly that its warmth felt human. The breeze held a voice, so sweet and indistinct between a dove or an angel. I sat. I sat and released myself to this place. Toxins of bad thoughts and painful memories crept out of my pores. I just sat, and watched, absorbing the lives of those around me, trying to hear their innermost thoughts, to fill a void within me. Just as I was close to interpreting a conversation, a man appeared at my side. His eyes were so peaceful and calm, mesmerizing me before I had a chance to be startled. And then he spoke.

“Child,” he said to me, “Why do you sit here? What cure do you seek and for what ailment to you seek it for? As if one of these lives is a life you hope to steal for your own.”

Upon looking at him I was able to see through him and into myself. Dark shadows were consuming my once lively soul. This might be my only chance to reignite the spark of my lifeless being.

I stood up. Walked the path along the water, and went home. Thousands of miles. To my true home. It was somewhat prodigal. And completely humbling.

******* ******* ******* *******

7 years ago today, at age 20, I was in the hospital.

At 6am that morning, after 25 hours of labor, mostly alone, I gave birth to my daughter.

She slept in my arms that night, so peaceful and sweet.

The next day I placed her in the arms of a very loving family, and watched them take her home.

Even though knowing I was giving her the best life anyone could give, it is hard to not hate yourself for not being able to be the one to provide it.

Growing up, having a mom who ran away in the middle of the night, never to return, I promised myself if I ever have children I would be there all the time, every second, and make sure during each of those seconds they know I love them.

It’s hard not to hate yourself for breaking that promise. It’s hard to not feel like I became my mother.

Forgiveness is difficult enough in most any situation, but I think forgiving yourself is the toughest. I have told myself many times I am over it and said, “Self, I forgive you.”....but it is with age and maturity I have finally confronted the lie with myself and I can still say, “Self, I am disappointed in you. I still hurt. But, I can learn to love you. And I will forgive you. But you have got to stand up and “carpe diem” the hell out of life right now and be happy, because you are awesome.”

Or something along those lines.

That being said, regrets are a silly waste of time. My journey to forgiveness involves getting over these regrets, and accomplishing those dreams I have hidden away for years.

I need to be proud of myself.

I need to feel happy about who I am.

Sitting around drowning in sadness is not the answer.

So, here it is, time for a change. More like a swift kick in my own ass, but however you want to say it. ;)

The Plan?

A Bucket List of sorts.

More like a “Fulfill My Dreams” list, a "Finally Feel Alive" list, a "Get Out of Rock Bottom" list (ok I'm sure you've got the point...) full of things I have been wanting to do forever, but have been too pathetically sad to do them.

The motivation bug has bit me. And it doesn’t hurt at all.

Follow along with me on my journey, won’t you?

Here’s my list: (in no particular order whatsoever)

1. Learn the guitar (I already have an acoustic and an electric, and I taught myself the piano when I was 8.....what’s been stopping me??!?)

2. Write and publish a book (I have so many ideas and outlines, and this is by far my biggest dream)

3. Join a Yoga class (being active and healthy with other people is good for the mind and body!)

4. Get out of the country (even though Mexico and Canada technically count, for this list they don’t...more like get off of the continent....which requires 4a: get a passport)

5. Go skydiving (cliche, I know, but I am terrified of heights, but facing your fears in a rush once in a while has to be a good thing)

6. Take an “adult” vacation (I have never gone on a vacation with friends....only family or a BF)

7. Paint a picture, knit a scarf, and actually finish it (I have started 5......)

8. Volunteer (i have a few times here and there, but this needs to be a somewhat regular thing for an extended period of time)

9. Return to and finish college (I have about 1.5 yrs left)

10. Forgive myself (haha....that one will be the last one accomplished I’m sure)

11. Become a home chef (a bit “Julie & Julia”-esque , I love cooking, but don’t know much of the fundamentals...pick a cookbook and learn from it)

12. The Classics (compile a list of the best/most influential/must read/see timeless books and movies I have not read/seen yet, and well, read/watch them....this will be good for lazy days)

13. Go skiing (when I was little I would stare at the baby blue and white ski's my mother left behind...and I've always imagined myself going downhill in them like she did. Like her, those ski's are now long gone, but my dream isn't...and winter is coming!)

14. See NYC in the fall (They have even made a movie about how beautiful it is! I have been once, in the Spring, 6 months after 9/11. I feel it's time to see the city healed, at the most beautiful time of year.)

15. Attend a Packers game (I find it quite pathetic that this Wisconsin girl has never been. I have spent countless Sunday's watching them from barstools and my own couch, but never in their home. Sad face.)

16. Go to a Hot Air Balloon Festival (not to ride….that would be terrifyingly ridiculous. But only to bring my camera and take some of the most beautiful photos…and instagram 90% of them.)

17. Attend an "Ugly Christmas Sweater" party (and of course, purchase said ugly sweater at Goodwill or some 2nd hand shop, and then take way too many condemning pictures

******* ******* *******

This is a good start for now. I’m sure more will come up, and they will be added. What is the point of life if you run out of things you want to stay alive for?

Stay tuned....

Wish me luck!

Do Good, Be Good.

"Boy With Autism victim of ALS Ice Bucket Challenge Prank"

I read the above article today, and short of eating bad food, nothing has caused such an instantly negative, physical reaction within me. I started crying, I wanted to vomit, and then I wanted to hug the boy and his family. The fact that there are still such cruel and ignorant people out there (when they are imperfect themselves) breaks my heart.

My brother is 15. He is also Autistic. And to me, he is perfect. I wouldn’t have him any other way. We were all blessed to have him grow to be very high-functioning, but there were many days during his childhood where we as a family struggled with him. We did fear that he wouldn’t eventually go to school, make friends, get a job, drive, or have any other part in the “American dream”. But even with all of that, through the tantrums and communication barriers we never loved him any less.

When he was 5 he knew every state, state capital and state motto. He knows every make and model of any car. He is an expert on trains. He has GPS built into his head. He watches the news and the weather channel. And every day he hugs me and tells me, “You’re a good person, and a great sister.” Sure, not every family is as lucky as we turned out to be. But we had looks. Eye rolls. Stares. Glares. And sometimes, even compassion. Because the good people out there knew he couldn’t help it. Not everything is under the control of the child or the parent. But both the child and the parent deserve love and support. Even from strangers.

Everyone born into this world is born innocent. Even the deaf, blind, those with Autism, Downs Syndrome, MS, missing fingers, a multitude of freckles, or crooked teeth, are all worthy of love, and kindness and understanding. People are born the way they are born with no choice in how their DNA is structured. But everyone is born just the way they should be. And they are all beautiful.

No one is going to understand everything, and yet even without that understanding the world still turns.

What is the meaning of life? I don’t know.

How did we get here? I don’t know.

But what I do know is that one day we won’t be here, so why not make life be the best we can?

World peace seems like Miss America’s pipe dream. The biggest cliche. Even still, there is not one reason it shouldn’t be everyone’s dream. There is not one reason it can’t be possible.

Do good.

Be good.

It shouldn’t be so hard.

Not everyone needs to be the same, believe the same, or feel the same. We aren’t mass produced robots, nor should we want to be. Why is it that we can appreciate the beauty of every snowflake, each one different from the last, but strain to find anything beautiful and miraculous about each other? Accept the differences. You don’t need to conform, but accept what is.

Or don’t. Whether an individual likes it or not, people are still going to be white, black, skinny, fat, Muslim, Christian, gay, straight, or Autistic. It is what it is and it isn’t so bad. Love each other! Or at least be civil.

“Mother’s” from days of old sure had it right; “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” Disagreeing is normal, our opinions are partly what makes us our unique selves, but there is a distinct difference in definitions between the words “opinion” and “fact”...and many people need to be aware that their opinions are not fact. Those opinions which spread hate, and hurt, and shame and fear are never fact. We may all be unique individuals, but at the exact same time we are all human. We all have skin and bones holding us together, and holding our beating hearts in place. The air I breathe in is the same air you breathe out. A smile means the same thing no matter who is doing the smiling or which continent it may be happening in. And so does a hug.

Nothing is without consequence.

No act of love.

No act of hate.

Something always affects someone.

It’s funny, how much of the world’s cultures are based on some part of religion. It’s also funny how many wars are being fought due to some religious clashes. Yet most religions, Christian, Muslim, Jewish, those who worship the Golden Rule, have the same fundamental base: Do good. Be good. So why the hate? I may not read the same book as you, but both of our books tell us to be kind, and to love each other. Maybe we need to work on our literacy.

In life, bad things will happen to you. Someone will leave, someone will die. There will be a tornado, a fire, an accident. The market will crash. You will get sick. Someone will say you look funny. You’ll forget to set your alarm. You will spill your coffee on your white shirt.

No matter what bad things happen, it doesn’t mean you have to become bad. It will be hard. It will change you. In life, the good and the bad form you. But you still have the final say in who you are.

Do good.

Be good.

Give when you can. Accept help when you have to.

See the beauty in the world.

Every act of kindness can prevent one act of hate. The storms will still rage and the coffee will still spill, but the cruel words and acts of violence are completely within our control.

"life, as beautiful as a rose can be as painful as a thorn, but through it comes faith, hope, love and the most memorable and vital lessons learned only through the experiences of it all"

Do good.

Be good.

Be empowered to spread it.

UPDATE: Ice Bucket Pranksters Identified

Guest Post - Jonathan Densmore

In my opinion, the greatest thing ever invented is the camera. With this beautiful device, any single moment or memory can be preserved and revisited almost indefinitely. When the mind's remembrance begins to fade, the eyes can fall upon a photo and the past has become the present.

Today I am happy to have NYC photography instructor Jonathan Densmore contribute to this blog with a guest post on GoPro Digital photography.

Enjoy the article, and be sure to follow him on Twitter - @jondensmore

GoPro Digital Photography

Public radio personality Ira Glass gave an inspirational talk about the secret of success for people in creative fields. He says that the people who pursue work in creative industries are drawn to that kind of work have really good taste. Because they have good taste, they struggle with self-perception as they master their creative craft. For the first few years, they look at the work that they do and are frustrated because it doesn't live up to their exceptional taste. Glass reassures the creative that this frustration is normal and merely a symptom of their unique ability to identify greatness. The best thing a creative type can do, he claims, is to continue to put in work so that they can continue to improve. Eventually you will close the gap between your abilities and your ambitions.

Advances in technology have helped to improve the quality of creative production. In the past, people involved in creative occupations were required to put in significant time to master their skills. However, technological advances have made it easier for people to create exceptional products in virtually every creative field, including architecture, lighting, graphic design, art and photography.

In this current technology-driven age, digital cameras are everywhere. They are included in virtually all laptops, tablets and even cell phones. Because cameras are ubiquitous, amateur photography has become extremely popular as people use social media to document their lives and share their experiences with their friends. While technology has increased the popularity of amateur photography, camera technology has improved drastically, helping inexperienced photographers create incredible digital images.

GoPro creates digital photography technology that allows even amateur photographers to capture high-quality action shots. Go Pro accessories include wearable and gear-mountable equipment, such as the GoPro Stick, that make it possible to take photos on the go. These accessories are durable enough to wear even while you participate in extreme sports. GoPro has also created free apps that let you operate your camera remotely, providing countless opportunities to unleash your creativity.